Monday, October 19, 2009

bigger and bigger

i have these moments every month or so when the world and its opportunities feel so expansive that it almost hurts - so many directions to go, possible outcomes for every action and interaction. i can barely keep up. and it hurts to have to choose just one. i end up feeling paralyzed by the possibility, and anxious and scared about the choosing.

and that's when i usually end up bawling in the theater while watching "where the wild things are." that story, so much about another point of expansiveness, and the ending of the playful certainties of childhood, hurts a little. hurts in a sweet way, but still it hurts.

Monday, August 10, 2009

by the way,

From 20s costumes

we ROCKED that speakeasy party.

people were asking to take our picture. seriously, it was fun. and i learned that d. has a secret nerdy love for dressing in costume. exxxxcellent.......

ps. those vintage badminton racquets earned their keep that night!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

lovely afternoon!


i just had the most delightful afternoon.

for starters, it's about 75 degrees and sunny in SF - a happy, cheerful anomaly. so, i put on my red dress.

This evening, d and i will be attending a speakeasy party. attire is 20's anything, so i have it planned out. we're going summery - like the hamptons in the great gatsby. i have vintage badminton rackets and last weekend found a navy straw cloche hat. just about everything is set. but today i really needed to find d a hat. i know, it's only a party. and most people have no idea that a fedora isn't period-appropriate. or that no one wears felt hats in the summertime. it's so wrong. but i have high standards where period costumes are concerned. and i was looking for a boater. one of those flat-top, straw hats worn by men in the early part of the 20th century on summer days.

i looked everywhere. second hand shops in the mission, costumes on haight, and about every vintage store in upper haight (which was clogged with tourists around the corner with ashbury). i found a bunch of boaters at la rosa, a classy vintage boutique on haight. but they were in peak condition, genuine, and running upward of $100.

i found some nice ones across the street at Decades of Fashion, priced around $100. i said thank you and prepared to search on. the store clerk called me back and said he could try searching in the back for a box of "beat up" boaters that might be less expensive (and do the trick for a one-time event!). no luck. he found one around $80. still too rich for my blood. as i was walking away, he called me back a second time with a helpful tip for vintage at goodwill (but that's a secret!). I thanked him, and sighed because all the affordable hats i'd seen weren't proper 20's period. "maybe i'm a little too exacting," i said. "No," he replied, "you're just trying to make it right."

how true!

so, i soldiered on. a couple doors down, on about my 10th store, i hit the jackpot. i walked into wasteland, a trendy vintage boutique that i was sure wouldn't have something so old and almost antiquey. but there, just within my reach in the menswear section, was an old boater with a brown ribbon, sitting on a hat stand. just a little bit of water damage on the brim, but it would do the trick. i almost ran over to it, and got nervous as i turned over the yellow pricetag. $18. EIGHTEEN DOLLARS!!!!! my feet had wings. i flew to the cash register and smiled like an idiot. there's nothing like finding exactly what you want, when you know exactly what you want.

i sauntered outside and down the street where a young man had set up an old smith-corona typewriter on a tray table. his sign said "pick a subject and a price and get a poem." so, for $5, he wrote me a poem about my new boater. then i bought an ice cream cone on my way home. how LOVELY.


"boater hat in wasteland" by lynn gentry

One mans trash can be found by a woman in a red dress
To be brought home to another man
The twenties were roaring
But all over now
Ned Cassell lived in his neighborhood in Castro since
The 1970s when he bought his house with his wife, Susan
They met while he was out writing about the counter culture in the
Forrest of Seattle
They had lived there for ten years when it became
evident that his dad Arthur would need to move in
Ned had always been close with his dad
and he could not bear the thought of leaving him in a home
He took him in till his dad died three years later
With the twenties still fresh in his mind
Now all that is left is Ned in Castro
and a Boater hat in Wasteland

myspace.com/lynngentry

Thursday, June 04, 2009

from my creative writing class: 500 words of fiction i wrote....

Lola looked down at her new shoes under the restaurant table, beneath the neatly folded napkin in her lap, over her knees itching through wool tights, down to her scuffed left toe. She had been stood up. How embarrassing.

The last time Lola had inspected her feet out of embarrassment, she had been “the new girl,” at a new school. She had been in second grade. The night before, she was so excited that she picked out her clothes and double-checked the contents of her lunchbox. Her brother had been so excited that he ran into the wall.

But school was lonely. If you don’t have a best friend by age 4 in a small town, you can safely call yourself a loser. When Lola took her cold wooden seat in Miss Lindsey’s second grade class, everyone who was anyone already had a BFF. The girls already knew which boys to chase, and everyone already knew what they were doing at recess the way some adults book their Saturday nights months in advance.

After lunch, Lola eyed the chilly playground: athletic girls chasing athletic boys; clumpy sandbox with two or three undesirables; shy but smart girls on the swings; dirty boys digging in the fudgy ground. Rules were posted by the door: NO running on pavement, NO pushing OR shoving, NO horseplay. Two steely-eyed middle aged women surveyed the yard for infractions. She touched her cold hands to warm cheeks, looked at her feet, and approached the shy smart girls first. Then the athletic girls; once the undesirables; almost once the dirty boys. Every recess for a week, Lola’s plan went like this:

Step 1: Make Contact. Awkwardly insert herself into a new group of second graders.
Step 2: Establish credibility. Talk about homework.
Step 3: Invest in the relationship. Hang out with them for 15 minutes. Conversation topics may include: homework (again), the weather, pets. Go with the flow, she reminded herself.
Step 4: Before the bell rings, seal the deal. “Do you want to be my friend?” She asked, urgently. Each time, her breath was a cloud of frosty desperation.

It was important to take them by surprise, she learned. When she finally popped the question, hardly anyone ever said “no,” more out of shock than real agreement. It was also important to keep moving. They might pick up and leave the swings, so she had to be fearless in her pursuit of friendship. Lola learned how to hang upside-down on the monkey bars, to climb to the top of Joe’s Rock and balance on one foot, to catch the boys careening around the yard. She bounced from group to group collecting verbal contracts for friendship the way all kids collect things that they value – greedily and without an eye for detail or long-term planning. Most of them were non-binding. You can ask someone to be your friend but you can’t make them play with you.

She learned that one the hard way, twice. You can plan a date with someone but you can’t make them show up, she thought. Or call to say they can’t make it. Or even freaking text to say that they’re lying in a ditch somewhere underneath something heavy, preventing them from getting to the restaurant, where you sit, like a loser, with your new shoes and your goody-goody lap napkin. Lola looked up. She touched her cold hands to warm cheeks, and moved toward the bar.

Friday, May 08, 2009

harlem children's zone

there's an interesting op-ed int he nytimes by david brooks (yes, david brooks) about the harlem miracle, spearheaded by jeffrey canada, that is really changing a whole community for the better. http://community.nytimes.com/article/comments/2009/05/08/opinion/08brooks.html

i saw canada speak in sf 2 years ago and it was truly inspiring. but what struck me so much about his vision is exactly the kind of vision brooks distains as "paternalistic". the children's zone is just that - a zone. canada recognized that you couldn't fix sick kids in a sick community. you had to fix the community. parents attend "parent college", they send their kids to charter schools run by the zone, and their kids attend afterschool programs run by the zone. it's a huge enterprise - one that encompasses all aspects of the community. it's also hugely expensive. canada has raised millions to support the effort, and it takes millions on an annual basis to run.

brooks points to a study that touts the effectiveness of the zone's charter schools (middle through high), but the real crux of the program is its huge scope. it's an incredible model. and incredible show of one man and one community's will. brooks recommends that other cities follow. i agree that they should. but who is going to pay for it? and how does a project like harlem children's zone fare in a depressed economy?

i think that harlem children's zone is a model to follow, but i am careful to make such recommendations. there is a danger in the nonprofit model and the private/public parnterships that sometimes support nonprofits. a project like this can have incredible, long-term positive effects. how are we committed as a community to making sure that it continues to become an instituation?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

bad gateway

i got this error message in my browser...while shopping for shoes. "502: Bad Gateway."

"wow," i thought, "that's got to mean something." doesn't it?

from my current position of stasis, any gateway looks good. but a bad gateway? is there such a thing? och. i waste so much time looking for road signs of life that are just error messages.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

my early existential crisis.

i just started reading a book that i have resisted reading for over a year now. (everyone was reading it.)

Eat, Pray, Love, so i heard, was about a woman who goes to italy, india and indonesia.

HOW IRRITATING, i thought. some writer decided she wanted to go to three beautiful countries and got some publishing company to pay for it. how pretentious. how obnoxious. no. way.

But then, in March, i ran out of books. and i needed something to read before bed (i must have something to read before bed). So, i picked it up. The thing is, it's really good. It is. And it strangely mirrors a lot of the things i've been going through - the self-questioning, the fear, the ground shifting, the fear and the need for healing.

i could do a book review (but i'm not done yet...) but i'll just talk about one particular point. the author, elizabeth gilbert, talks about her "existential crisis" on her tenth birthday. when she realized that life was passing by so quickly she could hardly hold onto it. she had hit the double digits, and that meant that one day everyone she loved would die.

i had a moment like that when i was five. at least i think i was five. i remember lying in bed, unable to sleep. and sometimes i would play tricks on myself to get myself to sleep. count, think of something else. for some reason that night i started thinking of my family. and then i started to think about what would happen if they all died. all of them. (i was a reeeally melodramatic kid). it started with my brother. what if tim was dead? i thought of all the everyday ways he wouldn't be in my life. then i thought about my dad. dead. then the one that scared me the most - mom. dead. all gone.

and i felt what can only be described as blind panic - like when you've lost something so valuable to you that you start tearing your room apart looking for it. i went right down the family line. uncle mike, aunt prue. cousins. dead, dead, dead. grandparents (who maybe logically should have been first in this thought process) dead. gone. mom's side of the family. dad's side of the family. dead. dead.

and then i was crying uncontrollably. i worked myself into such a self-pitying fit of loneliness - at age five - that i was scared to go to sleep. until i snapped myself out of it. Wait. they're not dead. they're alive. and you're safe. at home. For now. so i went to sleep with a tear-streaked face and stuffed up nose that night, safe.

from that night forward, though, time seemed to go a little faster. summers flew by. and i was just setting myself up for a fall sometime in the future. and basing my sense of security on those who surround me in the present. knowing that they wouldn't always be there. and really fearing - because everything was so temporary. Now, if only a publishing company would pay me to go abroad and work all this out.....(how pretentious).